


One Choice

by musesmistress, TheNox_Lya



Series: True Destiny [2]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Epilogue, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-04 01:18:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16336979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musesmistress/pseuds/musesmistress, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheNox_Lya/pseuds/TheNox_Lya
Summary: John has a tough decision to make and Elizabeth makes a last minute decision that could be just what she needs.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Again - no beta reader has been used, please forgive any mistakes and just enjoy the story.

**Seven weeks before the Atlantis Expedition**  
It never ceased to amaze Elizabeth Weir how much paperwork the United States Air Force could create. Personnel profiles, medical reports and equipment lists for nearly 30 civilians, over 30 medical officers, more than 65 military officers and 75 scientists from more than 30 countries all in both paper and electronic files. Thankfully, she only had to take the electronic versions with her. The last thing she wanted to do was to create storage space for a filing system and make it secure so only she and her senior staff had access.

Elizabeth’s head was starting to buzz from the amount of information currently swimming around inside it. She knew everything about every one of them: age, place of birth, specialties, even their school grades and what personal items they were bringing with them. There was no way she would be sleeping for the next few nights. She’d be running off adrenaline and caffeine.

She had the next few nights here in this luxurious hotel just outside Colorado Springs. Paid for by the Air Force, Elizabeth had started the evening by getting a drink from the mini-bar. She’d need it before the end of the week. She made sure all her things were packed. The boxes were being shipped to a storage location. The rest of her luggage lay open, waiting to receive the civilian clothes and the rest of the things she’d be taking to the Lost City of Atlantis when the week was finally over. Then she’d ordered dinner through room service, including a very naughty looking piece of chocolate cake for dessert before settling down to check once more over all the files. It was going to be a long few days.

Not only that, she still had to pick the 77th member of the military contingent. She had three names, three files to go through and make her choice, but none of them inspired her like the man she actually wanted to bring. Major John Sheppard. Unruly, stubborn and maybe a little too sarcastic, but he had the Ancient gene and it was natural to him. Carson Beckett had already gone crazy over the DNA sample Major Sheppard had agreed to give. Talking almost without pause to breathe, he’d told her how strong the gene was in Sheppard and how it responded much better to nearby Ancient technology than any other sample he’d seen.

If she was honest, and right now that was the last thing she wanted to be in regards to John Sheppard, there was more than one reason to want him on the team. The other reason however was purely personal and she couldn’t let herself be driven by the need to have a very nice looking man around to distract her. So she stuck to focusing on his genes and trying to figure out his profile without the Air Force knowing she had a copy of his record.

She couldn’t force him though. It had to be his choice. What she had managed to do was put him on downtime and move him to the area nearest the Stargate, making sure he understood that if he didn’t sign up for the trip within 24 hours of leaving he would return to McMurdo. She hadn’t seen him since and that had been two weeks ago when she’d run into him in the street and, after skirting the edges of polite conversation, asked if he’d made his decision yet. 

He hadn’t.

Each of the three options, in place of John Sheppard, were equally as good, though none of them had the Ancient gene and none of them were… no, she had to stop that way of thinking now. Sighing, she took another sip of her drink and stared at the three file names. It was a moment before she settled on one in particular. Ashley Korosec. If Major John Sheppard wouldn’t go then it would be Major Ashely Korosec from Brazil who took his place.

With another sigh, she opened up her email and created a new message before hesitating. She didn’t want to send the email and get Major Korosec’s hopes up only for Sheppard to show up at the last minute and say he wanted to go. But at the same time, she needed him ready. If John didn’t show then Korosec needed to have his forms filled in and his bag packed in time for them to update his file and notify Colonel Sumner. Yet another sigh and she started typing, letting the correct people know her choice before settling back slightly to check over her letter.

She lingered over the send button for several minutes before clicking save instead. Then, opening up her personnel list, she gathered her pre-mission report forms. She had to create one form for each person who handed in their papers. Papers meant several things: first, that they’d accepted the invitation to go to another galaxy and that they were committed. Second, that they understood the possible consequences of going included the chance that they may never return. And third, that they had their uniform fitted and all parts accounted for, and that their equipment list was submitted. It made her wonder if any of them felt relieved when they handed in their papers, or if a sense of dread settled over them.

For Elizabeth, the sense of dread had been a constant and lingering fear replaced only on brief moments when she’d thought of her mother or Simon. She hadn’t seen them for weeks now, working hard to get everything sorted in time. She had spoken to her mother though, preferring to actually talk to her instead of sending a video message. She couldn’t bring herself to talk directly to Simon. She knew what he would have done. He would have insisted that she change her mind, and would have made her feel guilty for going and leaving him before asking why he had never made it onto her list of possible personnel members. What was she meant to say?

_‘I’m sorry, Simon, you’re just not good enough.’_

That would have gone down well in their relationship. Not that she had any clue how moving to another galaxy would affect it. Probably destroy it, though it almost over as anyway. For the last year they’d been trying for a baby and she knew he wasn’t willing to tie the knot between them until he knew she could get pregnant. But so far there hadn’t even been a possibility, let alone it actually happening.

She had to admit it was starting to hurt that she couldn’t have a child and the last time she’d talked to Simon about it, really talked instead of arguing, he had made a slight comment about it being her fault. During her medical a few weeks ago she’d asked to be tested to see if she could have children. Discretely, the doctor had done the tests for her and told her she was fine. She didn’t dare mention it to him though. Getting blamed for it was one thing, but they were still together and eventually it would happen. But if she told him it was more likely his fault, he would snap and the arguments would start all over again.

Elizabeth sucked in a deep breath, pulling out of her reverie and getting back to reality. She stared down at the forms in front of her and looked at the first name on the list: Chuck Campbell. She filled in his details almost in a daze: Canadian, researcher and control staff slipping off the end of her pen a little too easily. She slipped the finished form into the envelope for the SGC and moved on to the next person.

Through three more forms, she let her mind wonder what it would be like. They didn’t know yet if it was a planet and the city was buried; or even if the city existed. They also didn’t know if they would actually be going. They couldn’t send a MALP through the gate until the morning they were ready to depart. To do so now would take away their chance to go. One power supply, one opportunity, one last chance for people to change their minds.

Then one daring step through the Stargate. 

A world of new technology and ancient civilizations to explore. There would no doubt be new enemies and new friends, but the fascination of their ancestry now belonging to an alien race that were supposedly more superior was just… mind boggling. She was more excited than afraid, even with the lingering doom settling at the bottom of her heart and in the back of her brain the need to know was far more intriguing. 

Then why was John Sheppard taking so long to decide? 

Maybe he had a family she didn’t know about. No, there was nothing in his file, nothing that indicated anything. His father was listed as next of kin, but beyond that family wasn’t mentioned anywhere. He seemed lonely, isolated and that just made her wonder what had happened. Had he really had such a bad life that he didn’t care that he’d been reduced to an air-taxi driver between McMurdo and the research post? He was mind boggling all on his own and just as fascinating.

She picked up her glass and sighed. It was empty. She got up, returned it to the top of the mini-bar before digging in for a bottle of water. If she drank too much alcohol she’d never get the files sorted on time. 

She straightened up and swung around sharply when someone rapped at the door. A brow quirked, Elizabeth moved back to her little office in the middle of the room and placed the bottle next to her laptop before heading to the door. She paused only to check she wasn’t a horrible sight, fingers through hair, t-shirt straight and clean, and then she reached for the handle and pulled the door open.

Standing in the doorway, one hand resting against the door frame with the other shoved in a pocket was Major John Sheppard. He looked up at her, having previously been fixated with the bottom of her door or the floor and she could see the touch of anger in his eyes.

“Is it too late to join the expedition?” he asked.

~~**~~

John Sheppard lay on the bed in a hotel room and randomly flipped a coin in his hand. Each time he checked the outcome and each time it was the same. He had to go on this mission. For hours, he had done the same thing, drinking whiskey and flipping the coin.

Days ago, he didn't even believe in the concept of aliens or living on other planets and now he had to face the choice to actually go and join an expedition, with absolutely no guarantee that they would be able to come back to Earth. For as far as anyone had explained, some Ancient gene in his body was stronger than in anyone else. The Ancient technology responded to his actions much quicker and more effectively than to others. The look of astonishment, surprise and excitement in Doctor Weir's eyes had told him enough to know that she needed him to join the expedition. It would be the right thing to do, but he still doubted. 

He flipped the coin again, but this time didn't catch it. Instead, it bounced off the bed and dropped on the ground, heads up again. He sighed, got up from the bed and stretched his neck. He took his glass of whiskey from the nightstand and emptied it in one single draught. He placed the glass back and walked to the door. He stepped into the hallway and looked inside the room once more before closing the door. 

~~**~~

John stood solemnly and looked bitterly down at the white roses lying on his mother’s grave. His eyes were red from tears and a lump in his throat made swallowing difficult. He had come here to try to find the answer to the question if he should or shouldn’t accept the mission to Atlantis. Everyone kept trying to push him, but he couldn’t find peace in either of the answers. His mother was one of the few people that had really listened to him and tried to understand him. He bowed his head and slowly opened his eyes again. He still missed her. If he could have done things differently he would have. He would have visited her more, but he couldn't. He couldn't make her suffer more by seeing him in pain. 

He whispered how sorry he was for not being there when she died.

A few small leaves fell while the wind slowly ruffled through the branches. They all fell in a small trail leading away from the grave, as if they wanted to tell him it was good to go. He put his hands in his pockets and lifted his head. "I miss you," he whispered before he followed the trail and walked away.

After a short walk, he reached a bench and sat down on the back. He fished the small coin out of his pocket again and fiddled with it. _'To go or not to go.'_ He smiled and pictured Doctor Weir's eager face. She was very passionate about this mission and he knew she wouldn't let anything stop her from getting to Atlantis. Just as unstoppable as he was when he decided to become a pilot. A hundred percent devotion to go for the goal and reach it, no matter what obstacles stood on the path. He threw the coin up and caught it in his hand. He slapped it down on the back of his other hand and took a deep breath. Slowly he removed the covering hand and with some hesitation, he looked at the result. "Heads." He exhaled slowly.


	2. Two

John stepped out of the cab and sighed deeply. _'Great,'_ he thought when he saw the line of new cars standing on the driveway leading to his family house. He was uncomfortable and took another breath, before proceeding to the door.

This house had been the place where he grew up, but it had never been his home. There were good memories though. The large number of rooms in the house was perfect for playing hide-and-seek with his brother. Just like the garden, offering a great place to play when he was younger. However, he and his brother always had to watch out for the gardener. When he saw the two rascals playing anywhere but the playground, he would become very angry and of course inform their parents. For as long as he could remember, his life had been filled with restraints and strict rules. The list of things that weren’t allowed was long. Then there was the list of what was allowed, but this also contained rules on how he and his brother had to behave. He had always felt constricted by the status and reputation of his father, the leading executive in one of the largest accounting offices in the country. He thought about those dreadful evenings when his father would have business colleagues over. He and his brother had to dress up in suits and ties and stiffened shirts. They would have dinner at the large table, and he had to shake hands, smile and be polite to the guests. There was no room for any missteps or jokes, because they were unrelentingly punished the hard way.

John shook the memories from his mind. He shouldn't concern himself about the past. It was good that he had visited his mother's grave this afternoon. He had laid ten long stem white roses on the grass. She had died too young, but he remembered her fondness for the roses. He would bring them along every time he visited her. However, since her death, he hadn’t been to the house as often as before.

Now he was standing here in front of the door, coming to tell his father that he had the chance to accept a classified mission. He was not allowed to talk about it, as usual, but this time it would seem as if he'd disappeared from the face of the Earth. In this case, he would truthfully be out of contact. His father had never approved of him joining the army and the look of disgrace when he told his father that he was reassigned to McMurdo was still imprinted on his mind. He could only hope his father would someday show he was proud of him and his work, but nothing seemed to please him. The chances of him giving his support for this mission would be slim, but it could be the last time he would see his father.

He sighed again and reminded himself that if it wasn't for Doctor Elizabeth Weir he wouldn't be here right now. He had been assigned to McMurdo for months already and hadn't expected that to change. However, since he had met her and General O'Neill, he had been temporarily reassigned to the mainland. She had been politely insisting he join this super mission of hers to this mythical city in another galaxy. Her insistence, however, was in pale contrast to the forceful, almost threatening words General O'Neill used to urge him. And all this was because he had some alien gene and without realizing how, he had used it. It had freaked him out.

One hand reached for the doorbell and inside the tone from the chime sounded. It wasn't long before the door opened and the friendly face of a young maid looked him in the eyes.

"Can I help you, sir?" the young woman asked, holding the friendly smile on her lips.

"I'm here to see Patrick Sheppard," he said and glanced inside the large hallway. The door to one of the main rooms stood open and he could see a bunch of overdressed people talking. 

"Are you here for the accounting preliminary meeting?" the woman asked.

He looked a bit annoyed knowing he was visiting at a bad time, but this was his only window of opportunity. "No, it's personal. I'll wait in the kitchen," he said and stepped passed the woman and into the house.

She was astonished and stared at him while he continued to walk towards the kitchen. "Sir?"

~~**~~

John had been waiting for at least ten minutes already and took a sip from his second glass of whiskey. That was one thing his dad always did perfect. He always arranged good drinks and appetizers for his guests. While he was sitting here, he had seen housekeepers and maids walking in and out of the kitchen with trays. Each one had given him the same glare and made it clear that he didn't belong there in his casual clothes. 

"You have got some nerve," his father declared when he entered the kitchen, "scaring a young girl off like that."

"Hey, Dad," he simply responded and took another large sip from his glass. "Good whiskey."

Frustration already erupted from his father’s eyes, but he was trying to calm down. "John, what are you doing here?"

John looked around before facing his dad again. "I've visited Mom's grave this afternoon. It's been well cared for."

"Please get to the point. I have guests waiting for me."

"I've been temporarily reassigned to Cheyenne Mountain."

His dad placed his empty glass on one of the tables and closed in on him, crossing his arms over his chest. "So, you've earned your stripes back."

John swallowed. He knew it had been the wrong decision to come here. "I've got the opportunity to get another assignment." He saw his father's eyes brighten by just a tiny bit, but it wasn't enough. "I won't be able to send or receive communications for a while." 

The man shook his head. "As always." John looked back at the kitchen staff, accepting any distraction that offered itself. "John!" his father barked to get his attention.

He looked back at his father. "It might be for a much longer period."

His father sighed. "Really, John. What do you want me to say?"

John stared at him. Why was it that every time he came here he had to fight with the man?

His father shook his head disapprovingly. "I don't know what's wrong with you. You could have done so much better, but you had to become an Air Force pilot," he spat venomously. "I made sure you got the best education, I even paid for your college degree and got nothing in return."

"I'm not here to have the same argument again," John announced and struggled to remain calm. He regretted coming here and knew the fuse he had lit would lead to an explosion soon.

"You came here, so you will listen to what I have to say."

"Dad!" He called out.

"No, you'll listen. You only think about yourself. It doesn't matter how others feel. You do as you please, not caring about anyone but yourself. You know, Nancy was good for you, but you had to ruin your marriage. She had even arranged a good job for you, so you two could settle down and have kids like a normal family."

John swallowed. How was it possible that his dad didn't even try to understand him? Things between him and Nancy had not just been torn apart by him. She.... He bit his lip. "A desk job!" He exclaimed furiously and fought for a way to overcome his anger.

"So? Why isn't that good enough for you? You know, you were supposed to join the company after graduating. Together with Dave, you should be taking over the company after I retire. You know Dave can't do it alone." 

His father's eyes were fixed on him and told him he was nothing more than a disruptive force in the family. His father was right, he could have easily gotten any good position within the company and many other companies would have granted him a good job. Numbers were his thing. Without putting too much effort into it, he had graduated 'Cum-Laude' in mathematics. However, he had no true passion for calculations or anything related. "I hate the accounting business. You know that," he pleaded.

"Exactly my point. You don't care about anyone besides yourself. You even left your mother alone when she was ill and needed you, John." 

John felt like a knife was being stabbed through his heart. "That's not fair." He yelled and had to swallow against a mix of rising fury and sadness for the loss of his mother. He had loved his mother and she was the only person who had tried to sooth things between them. It had been so hard to hear that she was ill. If only his dad could understand that. He couldn't see her weakening from illness.

"Life sometimes isn't fair," his father responded with a hint of hatred in his voice. "You need to learn that and accept your responsibilities, instead of running and hiding. Only showing up when you feel like it. When was the last time we’ve seen you for Christmas or Thanksgiving?"

“It is not as easy as you think it is, Dad. Why is it you don’t even try to understand?” John said in a loud voice. However, it seemed a fruitless attempt when his father raised his voice too.

“You’ve made your choices a long time ago and everytime I try to reach a hand out, you deny it and go your own way.”

John squeezed his hands into tight fists from irritation. “I don’t need a hand pulling me in the wrong direction. I only need some support for my choices, for the things I’m doing. Nothing that I do is good enough. It never was and never will be, not as long as I don’t follow your rules.”

“And my rules are worse than Air Force rules? Or do I need to remind you about the time I needed to bail you out and provided you with the best attorney so you wouldn’t be court martialed for treason?”

Every word from his father was fiercely aimed at him. Repressed anger and hatred erupted from his face. The man was so wrong and was over-dramatizing every minor misstep he had made. The words _‘it wasn’t treason’_ were on his lips, but he swallowed them. It was pointless to continue listening or try to reason with him. He didn’t even remember why he thought it was a good idea to try and talk to his dad. He turned to face the door, avoiding looking at his father any longer. "I have to go."

"Running away again?" the man shouted after him.

"Bye, Dad," he called out while he continued to distance himself from his father, taking large steps. He left the kitchen, passed the hallway and went through the door. Leaving the house had often felt like embracing freedom, but not this time. The air was still scorched and filled with toxins, slowly suffocating him. His dad was so wrong, he did care about others. Sometimes so much that he'd do anything for them, even giving up his marriage. If he had a flaw, that was one of them.

He pulled the coin from his pocket, threw it up in the air and let it drop on the driveway. Heads, always heads. He stepped over the coin, leaving it lying on the drive. It was time to leave his past behind and enter a new phase. Determined, he got his cell phone from his pocket and opened the address book. He scrolled through the contact list, sighed and put the phone back. Who was he going to call? Doctor Weir?

He knew the only reason he was temporarily assigned to Cheyenne Mountain was to make him reconsider joining the mission. He hated to admit he was wrong on certain things, but maybe this time he had been a little too quick in declining his participation on the mission, considering it a waste of time. What if he had changed his mind? Why was it that he was procrastinating in telling her? The coin had come up heads too many times. This mission was an opportunity he should take. The only family he would leave behind were his hateful father and brother

Frustration still flooded his body and he concentrated on taking deep breaths. For as long as he could remember things between him and his dad had been the same. Two opposites always colliding and always ending in a fight. 

At the end of the driveway he randomly turned left and started running. He needed to clear his head. 

~~**~~

John had passed his hotel ten minutes ago and had continued running. His mind was going over the whole fight with his father and it kept the adrenaline rushing through his veins. He took a right turn and when he looked up, he faced the grand hotel where Doctor Weir was staying. He came to a sudden stop. He had a twisted smile on his face. This woman just kept nagging him. She would until he signed up for the mission. He wiped the sweat from his face and searched his pocket for a coin. Unfortunately for him he couldn’t find any. Thoughtfully he studied the front of the hotel before he slowly walked to the entrance trying to catch his breath.

The two doors slid open automatically. He was going on this mission on one condition: if there were aircrafts, he was going to be the pilot. She needed him on this mission and he needed to escape. Running away again, just like his dad had said, but then again, he had no other choice. This was his only option to have a life of his own, to try to mean something, to try to make a difference and do the right thing. He nodded in contempt and entered the lobby. 

People glanced at him and he realized he was still wearing the wrong clothes. His shirt was soaked from sweat and even his pants were moist. Without granting anyone questions, he headed for the elevator, trying to regain his calmness. 

After the doors closed, he quickly got his phone from his pants, searched the address book and hoped Doctor Weir’s contact info contained her room number as well. _‘Room 739.’_ He smirked and pressed the button on the control panel. Mere moments and several floors later, the elevator doors opened and he stepped outside.

An artificial pine scent and the antique decorations combined with the English style drapes and deep-pile carpets made him frown a little. A little too tacky for his style. It even pulled bad memories from his dad’s house to the surface. He swallowed, went left and walked straight to room 739. His mind went over a dozen sentences he could use when she opened the door, but none of it came out right. He knocked and took a deep breath. Seconds were passing and each second got him more nervous.

Finally, the door opened and he stood face to face with Doctor Weir. "Is it too late to join the expedition?" he asked and exhaled in relief.


	3. Three

Elizabeth was a little shocked, to say the least. It was surprising to find John Sheppard standing at her door, but more so to find him sweating to the bone and smelling of alcohol. Then he opened his mouth. He wasn’t too late, but she did have a question about his state of mind.

“You,” she looked down, taking in the whole of him, grubby and terrible and a few miles from his hotel, “you’ve been drinking.”

John shifted uncomfortably and Elizabeth quirked a brow. Was he going to reconsider here and now? Was he even sure he wanted to go?

“Hmm, just a few whiskeys,” he said, and then with a smile, added, “I didn’t drive.” 

“I was more concerned about you saying yes for the wrong reasons,” she countered.

“No, no, I’ve thought this through, and I want to go on the mission,” he said sharply as though somewhat touchy about her questioning his reasons. Elizabeth eyed him unsurely. She wanted him, needed him on the team, but not if he was going to cause trouble the whole time because he’d made the wrong decision.

“Alright,” she said cautiously then stepped aside. “Come in. We have some paperwork to go through.”

“Now?” he asked, a little shocked at the sudden invite.

“You’re welcome to go back to your hotel and change first,” she said. “I have a lot to get through…”

“Is there lots I have to do?” he asked.

Elizabeth turned and eyed the pile of papers and document wallets, envelopes and miscellaneous files scattered around her laptop and on the table in the middle of the room. Why did the Air Force have to generate so much waste?

“It’s the Air Force,” she said turning back with a grin, “so yes.”

“Okay,” John said, stepping past her and into the room. “Let’s get this over with.”

Elizabeth closed the door and turned back into the room feeling somewhat nervous about allowing him to sign his life away while drunk.

“Would you like a drink? Coffee, maybe?” She asked, thinking she could sober him up a little more before he signed the last of the forms.

“I guess it wouldn’t make a good impression if I asked for something stronger,” he said. She turned to see if he was serious and caught the smirk on his face. Finding it amusing and somewhat comforting that he could joke about it made her smile.

“Well, I’d start to worry about your drinking habits,” she said, indicating a chair. “Take a seat, Major.”

She plugged in the complimentary kettle and started to prepare drinks for her and John, placing the milk and sugar on the table so he could help himself.

“Sorry,” he said. “It just hasn’t been my day.”

With drinks in hand she sat back down on the sofa opposite him, placed her cup on the edge and started sifting through the piles of papers to pick out forms. She placed the first form in front of him and then pulled out three more for him to fill in before picking up the most official file of all and hunting through for a blank form.

“I know that feeling. I’ve had one of those since I started working with the military,” she handed him a pen and pulled her laptop closer to carry on working.

John smiled. “So are you gonna help me out with the most important parts to fill in?” he asked. “I don’t really feel like reading through all this.”

“Nope,” she said with a comforting smile. “Everyone else had to muddle through on their own. You’ll have to do the same.” She shifted the last form to the side, tucking it under the laptop so it didn’t get mixed up with the other papers.

“You know, you’re not buying a lot of sympathy here,” he said, turning back to the forms.

Elizabeth’s brows rose. “What makes you think I need sympathy?”

“You could use some after sending General O’Neill after me,” he said while re-reading the papers.

“Excuse me?” Elizabeth said indignantly. She didn’t like being accused of things she didn’t do. “I asked General O’Neill to talk to you, discuss what it was like going through the gate and exploring new worlds. Nothing more.”

She watched him hesitate before signing the papers.

“Here you go,” he said, handing them over. She took them, eyeing him and wondering if letting him come would be a good idea. Would he challenge her all the time? Would he regret it later and then blame her?

“There’s another page to sign,” she said, slipping the paper out from under her laptop. “But I need to know you’re sure before I give it to you.”

“Alright,” John said licking his lips. “So why are you leaving everything behind, not knowing if you’ll ever be able to come back?”

Elizabeth sat back on the sofa, her arms crossed over her chest in a slightly defensive manner. She wasn’t seeing that he really wanted to go. “This is your interview, Major Sheppard. Shouldn’t I be asking the questions?”

~~**~~

"So, what do you want to know?" John asked and studied her. “My gene is good enough for you to want me on this mission?"

"There's no point in me taking you for your gene if you don't want to go. Why did you come here if you're still not sure?"

He sighed. She was right that he still wasn’t sure. The whole reason for him being here had started with flipping a coin. Hell, there were many reasons for him being here. For a starter, this mission sounded more interesting than being stationed in McMurdo. It was not as if he was leaving anyone behind who would miss him. It would mean a new start or opportunity, whatever you wanted to call it. He would make certain people happy. He could even make Doctor Weir smile. He smirked slightly and narrowed his eyes. “I was running and ended up in front of the hotel.”

She didn’t change her expression before she shot another question back at him. “So you just wasted twenty minutes filling out forms for a mission you don’t want to go on?”

“I didn’t waste it,” he said irritated. “I was just starting to explain how this crappy day ended here in this way overdressed hotel room. With _‘me’_ signing up for the mission.” His eyes narrowed even more while he got up from the chair and walked to the window. He stared outside. Cars drove by with their lights already turned on. This whole day had been a complete nightmare. Even the simple task of signing up for this mission didn’t go as planned. But what was he to expect? The surge of frustration from earlier hadn’t left his body yet. 

A calm voice came from behind him. “You still haven’t explained why you want to go.”

He dragged his hand through his hair and turned around. Swallowing, he looked at her. She was waiting patiently for an answer, an answer he didn't know how to put into words. He sighed and turned back to the window. “It’s better than all other options I have,” he confessed and listened through the awkward silence for a few seconds. 

"That's not an answer I can accept. I can't take someone on a mission they might never return from whose only reason for going is to get out of a horrible placement."

Furiously, he turned around. “Hell, it’s not about McMurdo if that’s what you think. You don’t understand.” He went back to the sofa and sat down, facing Elizabeth. She was looking at him seriously. He bowed his head and stared at the papers. Was this really what he wanted? He liked flying anything, especially anything fast, but on her mission there was a possibility he wouldn’t be flying at all. He would go on missions to other planets. He still couldn’t grasp the concept of what that would mean. The uncertainty wasn’t the problem. He had every reason to go, but why couldn’t he simply say yes? 

"John," she asked and paused for a second. "What happened today that made you come here?" She leaned forward to show she was giving him her attention.

He knew she could read his face. He forced a twisted smile on his lips. “It’s never good enough, you know? No matter what I do or what decisions I make. It’s just never good enough. Not for you, not for my dad, not for anyone. Sometimes I really wonder why I chose this mission at all and to be honest I didn’t choose. I flipped a coin to decide if I should join or not. I got heads every time.” He turned his head away, avoiding seeing how she would respond. After a deep breath, he stood up from the sofa and froze. He was not going to run, but didn’t know what to do either.

"I'm not your father, John. I'm just the woman giving you the opportunity to make a difference, but you have to want to make it."

Her voice was soft and when he turned to her, her eyes had dropped. He sighed. “I didn’t mean what I said about you. I….” He let out a difficult sigh. “I had this huge fight with my dad and it’s not like… We…” A stinging pain pierced his chest, making it hard to breathe. Hesitantly he sat back down again, but still tried to avoid direct eye contact. “He has never approved of anything I do. I just wanted to say goodbye, which ended in another fight.” He lifted his head and looked right at her. “I want to go on this mission. You have to let me go. You need me.”

In his mind, all the pieces started to fall into place. Elizabeth didn’t only need him, but he needed her too. And this wasn’t for the little favours on the mission, but personally. He needed some kind of confirmation that he was doing the right thing from her. However desperate it may sound, he needed someone to care. It wasn’t good enough that he wanted to go, this had been clear enough from the beginning, but he needed someone else to care on a personal level. She had told him, explained everything and insisted he come, but merely for her own good. However, this conversation was a turning point. She listened, even though he wasn’t sober or any good at expressing himself. She gave him all the room he needed to think and understand the importance of this mission and all this without actually putting more stress on the situation. 

He looked deep in her beautiful eyes and could see right in her soul. Somehow, the things he had said had hurt her on a personal level. He hadn’t meant to pry into her personal life, but he knew he had stirred up some memories that she actually wanted to forget. Maybe he had been wrong about her. The decision to go for her must have been just as difficult as it was for him or maybe even more difficult. He didn’t have any ties left on Earth that interfered with him going, but maybe she did. He saw a shiver pass through her body and wanted to embrace her. Hold her tight to his body, sharing comfort and feeling warmth. Inside he felt twisted. No matter how desperate he was, he had to restrain himself from actually following his feelings at that moment and touching her. It was too preposterous to think about it, let alone to act on it. He took a deep breath and settled with the comfort of thought that she cared for him and gave him all the space he needed to reach a conclusion. He still gazed at her and let a weak smile appear on his lips.


	4. Four

Elizabeth stared at him, vulnerable and right there. She couldn’t let her emotions get the better of her, not here, not now and not with this man. He was a complete stranger to her, but he was already getting to her emotionally. She got up, taking the last form with her and sat on the sofa next to him. Hesitating for a moment, she placed a hand on his shoulder and took a deep breath.

“You just have to sign at the bottom,” she said softly and waited to see if he would take the last offer.

She was surprised when she felt his hand clasp hers on his shoulder. "I'm sorry I made you think that I doubted you. Today has just been a bad day. I swear the coin turned up as heads every time," he said. He accepted the paper and put it down on the table in front of him. 

She watched as John reached for the pen and signed the paper. Elizabeth had to fight for control of herself and aimed her attention to the papers. She picked up the pen and counter-signed it before dropping it on the rest of his papers. She turned her head to him and caught his eye as he turned away. Licking her lips she brought her hand up to turn his face more towards her. The rough of his cheek scratched across her palm and without stopping to think about it, she leaned in and kissed him.

John licked his lips. "I hope you didn't give that 'welcome to the team' to everyone," he said.

For a moment, Elizabeth considered moving away, her hand shook slightly and her heart pounded so fast she could hear it in her ears. She shook her head and leaned in to kiss him again. She shouldn't be doing this. She was engaged. Sure, she hadn't worn the ring in almost two months and had seen Simon only once in that time, but this was worse than wrong. He was going with them and she'd have to face him every day. Not to mention he'd probably expect this while they were gone. He had no idea she was a needy, pathetic and emotionally messed up excuse for a woman at that moment in time.

It shocked her a little when he pushed her back, pressing himself against her chest as he forced her back on the sofa. His hands grasped onto her sides and a thumb slid along the underside of her breasts. She gasped into the kiss and arched her back to press against him just that little bit more.

He paused, looking down at her and she smiled. His unease showed on his face and she knew he was ready to ask if she was sure. Either that or why she was doing this. Why now? Why him? She didn’t have an answer. She just wanted this and now was as good a time as any. 

John leaned in and kissed her, pulling back a little to run his hands down her sides until he found the hem of her t-shirt. Her muscles flexed as he slipped his fingers underneath. Rough fingers moved over the sensitive skin of her belly. She moaned in encouragement, gripping the back of his neck with both hands and almost jumped a mile when he started to move the shirt up. She had to sit up to let him take it off and almost blushed when he sat for a moment looking his fill at her breasts.

She watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed and licked his lips. Then his hands were back on her sides and he pressed her back along the sofa and began kissing down her neck to her chest. He muttered something she didn’t hear as he reached her breast, running a line of kisses down between them to the clasp in the middle. His hands travelled up her abdomen, seeking the clips and she felt them separate and the material fall against her arms.

Elizabeth closed her eyes as anticipation took over as she waited. The seconds ticked by and, just as she was considering seeing if he’d changed his mind, his tongue flicked over her right nipple. She whimpered, the sensation of the small contact shuddering down her spine to her core. He repeated the action and she felt the nubs tighten from his quickly cooling saliva.

John placed a kiss below her breasts. She thought for a moment he was going to start down her stomach, but instead he pulled back and helped her up. She let him and waited to see what would happen next, fear that he had changed his mind, that he’d suddenly realised he was going to sleep with his new boss. But all he did was kiss her and pull her against him; his tongue slipping between her lips and drew along the back of her teeth, making her shudder.

She fisted his shirt in her hands, the soft material bunching up until she could feel the buckle of his belt against her stomach. Elizabeth released him only to tug at the shirt to move it up over his chest, her hands brushing against the hair on his skin as she removed the garment.

“Bedroom?” John asked and she hummed against his neck. She pulled back, looking at him before taking his hand and leading him in the direction of the separate bedroom. He kicked off his shoes as they stepped in and his arms came around her from behind before she could reach the bed. His lips kissed at her shoulder, moving slowly up her neck as his hands squeezed at her breasts for a moment before drifting down her stomach to unbutton her jeans.

A little too eager, Elizabeth pressed her backside against him and heard his breath catch before her button slipped open. She shoved her pants down her hips before attacking his for the briefest of moments before John stopped her and she met his eyes.

“Slower,” John said in almost a whisper.

“Okay,” Elizabeth nodded. She took a deep breath and continued with his pants, only this time taking her time with the button and zipper. When she’d finished and let them drop to the ground, John’s hand came up to tip her face up and he kissed her again. His hands against the small of her back, he took a step forward, pushing her back a step until her legs pressed against the edge of the bed. He placed her down on the mattress and pressed himself on top of her.

He felt glorious against her, the trickle of hair on his chest only stopped at his boxers and she could feel them brushing against her legs as they moved down his body. John shifted, rubbing his erection against her gently. Her cotton panties brushing over her already wet lips felt good, but she would have preferred to feel his skin instead.

Elizabeth kissed him again, drawing out the action as though he was a long time lover and they knew exactly how to kiss each other. She moaned as he drew his tongue along the back of her teeth again. It was a tender touch she’d never had from another man before. When he pulled back from the kiss, he started down her neck and chest, pausing to suckle at her nipples before moving down her stomach to her underwear. She had a moment of embarrassment for the plain cotton panties she had on, but then again this wasn’t exactly planned.

John pulled them down over her hips, dragging his fingers down her thighs as he moved them along her skin. He stopped when they were off and she lifted her head to look down at him afraid he’d stopped because he was disgusted by the scar on her inner thigh. Instead, she found him studying her, all of her. She watched him, taking in the look in his eyes as he passed over certain areas of her, as he picked out blemishes and scars and even the bruise she had on her hip from turning a corner of a table too sharply the previous evening.

After a moment, he pushed up, removed his boxers and leaned over to kiss at her bruised hip before skipping over her upper body to claim her lips. He shifted to the side, his hip on the bed and his erection pressed against her thigh. Elizabeth almost jumped out of her skin when his left hand slipped between her legs and a finger pressed against her folds. John pulled back from the kiss to make sure she was all right before nipping at the corner of her lip and resuming his teasing.

She had thought she was ready before, soaking her panties with him teasing her nipples and studying her, but his fingers seemed to have a mind of their own and teased her clit and opening her folds with such an ease suggested he either slept with a lot of women, or he paid attention to the ones he had been with. Either way she didn’t really care, especially when his finger drifted back up to circle her clit, brushing against it every few seconds and making her hips buck. He was lying with her arm trapped under his upper body and every time she reached over towards his cock, he pushed her hand away.

“John,” she breathed when she couldn’t stand the gentleness anymore. She wanted him now, or at the very least the chance to tease him as much as he was playing with her.

“Move further onto the bed,” he said, aware that they were still on the edge where he’d placed her. Elizabeth scooted back not really caring if the pillows supported her or not. John shifted between her legs, slipping his knees under her thighs and taking hold of one of her hips. He teased the head of his cock against her folds before catching her eye. She could see the question in his eye. _‘Okay to do this without a condom?’_

She nodded. It was a lie, but she could deal with the problems tomorrow. She closed her eyes as she felt the head of his cock slip down to her entrance. He took a deep breath and pushed into her. They groaned together as he sank into the hilt and she couldn’t hold back the whimpers that escaped at the sensation. John had leaned forward slightly and she opened her eyes to watch his face as he settled into the feeling before he pulled back and thrust slowly back in.

Elizabeth moaned again and ran her hands up his arms, now holding him up, hands fisted in the sheets at her side. She could feel the strength in his arms as they pressed against her sides, almost as though he was holding her in place. He shuddered as he set into a rhythm, his breathing hard and sweat beginning to build on his forehead. She watched it as he watched the flow of her stomach, waiting for the single bead of water to drop down onto her heated skin. 

As the droplet fell, John leaned forward, tucking his arms up under hers to grip her shoulders, his body covering hers like a wonderfully warm blanket. For a moment the movement made the angle of penetration uncomfortable and she shifted her hips to try and adjust. John seemed to pick up the change in her movements and one of his hands pulled back, tracking a tickling and teasing path down her side, over her hip and down her thighs to her knee.

Elizabeth wrapped her arms around his neck, raking her fingernails across his shoulders as he teased the flesh at the back of her knees. He settled closer to her body, his face tucked against her neck. His lips pressed into the crease between neck and shoulder as he pulled her knee up against his side. His rhythm quickened, his thrusts becoming stronger and faster. She felt him bite gently at her neck and hooked her foot over his hip to encourage him to keep going.

John groaned and let his hand slide slowly back down her thigh, making her shiver with the simple touch and intimacy of their current position. He didn’t stop there; his fingers dug into the skin at the top of her leg before he shifted his hand over her hip and back along her buttock. Elizabeth groaned; her breathing coming in short, sharp pants as her body began to shudder. John’s speed increased again, the knowledge that she was close pushing him to the edge. Using the foot on his back, Elizabeth began to thrust against him as best she could, her body almost pinned by his weight. John’s hand shifted around the curve of her backside and onto a delicious spot at the edge of her thigh.

“John,” she breathed, her own tone of voice making her shiver and her breath caught as her release took over. John started moaning with each push inside until he couldn’t hold back anymore and he came hard, pressing his hips tightly against hers for a few seconds before he collapsed.

Elizabeth gasped. Images of Simon flooded her brain and she suddenly realised what she’d just done. She’d seduced him, seduced someone she wanted on her staff. No, someone who _was_ on her staff. She’d betrayed Simon, the trust he had in her, the faithfulness they had for each other. They were engaged and here she was in a hotel room halfway across the continent with another man in her bed.

“Oh god,” she breathed. “Oh god.” She pushed at John’s shoulders quickly, almost desperately shoving him off her. “I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry.” She shifted, turning around and resting her head on the pillow. “I’m so sorry,” she repeated, dropping her arm over her eyes. “I’m a mess,” she whispered, more to herself than to John as he shifted to lie next to her. John couldn’t be blamed, they had both sort out some comfort but she had started the whole thing, thinking he needed a show of affection after listening to his bad day. What was her excuse? She hadn’t felt loved in months? She didn’t have an excuse, not a suitable one, or even one that didn’t make her sound like a mass of hormones.

“What’s wrong?” he asked and she squeezed her eyes closed, wishing for a better answer than the one she had to give.

“I have a fiancé,” she said, still not daring to look at him.

“What?”

“I’m sorry,” she tried feebly. “I’ve been engaged for four months.”

“You are kidding me, right?”

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly, turning to face him with an apologetic look. “I don’t know what possessed me to...” She trailed off, unsure how to word what she’d done.

~~**~~

Confusion ran through John’s head. He had heard and understood what she just said to him, but it couldn’t be real. It was impossible to believe he had let himself be pulled into this mess. He would never sleep with just any woman, let alone anyone who was engaged. How could she? Why? A surge of frustration made his heart pound. He sat up and moved to the edge of the bed. He took a deep breath and swallowed against the choking lump in his throat. He didn’t know what to say and needed to get out of the room. His eyes scanned the floor for his clothes. After locating his boxers, he got up and quickly pulled them on. While buttoning his pants, he headed to the other room in search of the rest of his clothes. 

Fully clothed except for his shoes, he walked back in the bedroom. He carried all her clothes with him and dumped them relentlessly on the bed in front of her. In addition, he scooped her pants off the floor and also threw them on the pile. He glanced in her direction, seeing her eyes filled with pain and regret, but couldn’t care much for that. 

"Don't go like this," she said from behind him when he sat down on the bed and started putting on his shoes.

He turned around and faced her. “What do you want me to say?”

“I... I don't want you to say anything.” Her lip trembled from nerves and her skin had turned pale.

John sighed and tried to calm down. “Do you have any idea how I just feel right now? There’s no excuse for what we did. And… You’re engaged!” He couldn’t continue like this. This whole day turned out to be one single nightmare, leading from one disaster to another. After the fight with his dad, he had thought things couldn’t get any worse. Well, he was wrong about that. How pathetic of her to use him like that. Well at least he knew her choice to go on this mission wasn’t easy after all. 

“John, please,” she almost desperately pleaded. “I've said I'm sorry and I'll say it again.” 

He looked at her questioningly and saw she truly regretted what happened. A small spark of remorse travelled between their eyes. He swallowed and sighed uncomfortably. 

“You've signed up for this mission. Do you really want to go to Atlantis angry at me?” She asked with a soft voice.

He could see her body shivering under the sheets she had pulled up to cover her naked body. “Angry is not the right word, more like....” He couldn’t get the words “upset” or “hurt” past his lips. He looked around for his missing sock before ignoring it and finished putting on his second shoe. He got up from the bed and looked down at Elizabeth. He still wanted to go on the mission and knew they had to come to a certain level of acceptance. “So, what do you propose?” he asked and hoped she would mention to just forget about what they had done. He wasn’t looking for complication right now and even though he would still have to deal with it himself, he wasn’t ready to deal with her. He looked at her in anticipation of her answer, but she seemed to have trouble controlling her emotions. He feared she might actually break down, but she recovered and swallowed hard to control herself and regain her self-esteem.

“At the very least, we need to appear as though nothing has happened,” she said and sat up, keeping the sheets carefully wrapped around her. “John, we need to keep this to ourselves and be professional in front of others. We can't let what happened get in the way of our mission.”

John sat down on the chair opposite the bed and nodded slightly. “Oh, I totally agree with that. Just one thing. No, two things. One, I don’t want to be dragged any further into your personal life and two, you owe me one.”

Elizabeth looked up at him and he could see she meant it when she said: "I promise not to make a move on you again, if you promise never to use what happened against me.” 

He agreed with a silent nod and was relieved that he could try and forget the misstep he had made.

“And, yes, I owe you one," she added while showing a serious and thoughtful glimmer in her eyes.

“I think I should leave,” he said and got up from the chair. He walked to the door and briefly turned around. He saw her regretful face stare at him before he turned back and stepped through the door. He scanned around the room one last time in search for his missing sock, but didn’t see it anywhere. He considered mentioning it to her, in case her fiancé showed up, but he figured that would be her problem. He continued to the other door and left the hotel room, closing the door behind him.


End file.
